Readability is not an option
File under: Readability is easy (and essential)
Melissa, ED at a domestic violence shelter, asked:
> Tom < Would you look at an email thanks we just wrote and tell me if you think it's OK?
The ANSWER:
> Almost. < Your new thanks is fine ... except for one thing: The best bit is unreadable.
Colin Wheildon's 1980's typographic research (done for print; the Internet didn't exist yet) settled many arguments about readability and legibility. There have been decades of research by others since (do a Google search on "readability and typography"; see you in a month; it's a deep but worthwhile dive).
I've worked with dozens of graphic designers. Many were astonishing. And most had never heard of Colin Wheildon or readability research. Fundraisers: Welcome to another painful aspect of your job: telling designers NO. I hope it goes better for you than it's gone for me.
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How would YOU respond to this email footer?
These few words and stats appeared at the end of a warm email from Michelle Smalling.
Michelle Smalling is ED at Homes4Homes, a faith-based charity in Tennessee. Also known as HH, this U.S. charity works with communities in four other countries to build better housing for vulnerable families.
800+? 5,000+? These are strong stats. And I'm incurably nosy. So I headed right over to the HH website [if you click through here, you'll arrive at their "community transformation" page] ... and fell deeply in love.
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My dear ambitious subscribers, today's topic is this: the Homes4Homes case for support, now under construction.
Psychologist Otis Fulton, a huge fan of Michelle and HH [click thru to go to their inspiring "stories" page], asked me to peek at this "case in progress" and comment. "Do you see any problems?"
Target audience? Compassionate Americans who might want to significantly improve conditions for families living in unsafe housing overseas.
This new printed case would be a handout, distributed at gatherings like Rotary luncheons or church services, in conjunction with a short talk by Michelle. [This link goes to the HH "sponsor" page.]
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Dear Melissa,
Honestly, it's fine.
The good news: technically, it delivers what needs to be delivered ... for tax purposes.
It gives me a receipt I can file ... in case my tax return is audited. It names the amount and the date.
On the other hand, do most of your donors care all that much about tax receipts? Maybe not. Only about 14% of U.S. households itemize their taxes. Those are the ones who need receipts.
Therefore, in my opinion, starting your email with the tax receipt language is kind of a COLD opening emotionally, irrelevant to most households.
I'd consider moving the tax information to the end. I'm no lawyer or accountant, but I'm guessing the tax people probably don't care where you plunk the date and amount of the gift.
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So ... if the tax receipt is a minor detail, what WILL your donors respond to?
The great story you've included.
It's a story that confirms how vital philanthropy is to your domestic-violence mission. It's a heart-breaking yet uplifting before-and-after story. It vividly shows how donors' compassion and charity are mending broken lives in their own backyard!
Or ... it COULD do all that, if only....
Alas, your great story is un-skimmable. Visually, it's dead on arrival. (Sorry, sorry, sorry! Good news: easy fix!!!)
As it stands, it's a 155-word block of text with ZERO paragraph breaks (ouch). On my screen, it's a single paragraph 17 lines deep: a tall, sheer, dour, daunting, bleak cliff of text.
It's also clogged with run-on sentences (more ouch). For that, blame the seemingly innocent conjunctive "and." That itty-bitty word does all sorts of trouble.
"And" takes simple sentences AND glues them together to make longer sentences ... which reek of mental labor. Which slows readers down. AND makes them quit reading early and often.
Another AND: your story, as currently presented, badly fails the most useful readability test of all: Flesch-Kincaid. Evaluated by Flesch-Kincaid, your story scores at the too-difficult-to-bother 14th-grade level. It also has a sub-par reading-ease score of 50 (out of 100).
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So I've rewritten it for you.
It's the same story your tax receipt offered as one dense paragraph.
If I changed a dozen words, I'd be surprised. I mostly just tossed out a bunch of "and"s. And I let in some light with 6 paragraph breaks (as opposed to zero). Oh, yeah ... it now passes Flesch-Kincaid with flying colors: Grade level 5.5 / reading ease 77.
The rewrite goes like this:
Last month we received a hotline call from Beth, a new mother.
She'd been beaten by her child’s father upon her return from the hospital.
Beth was staying with her mother to recover. But the abuser was threatening her with repeated phone calls. Beth was worried for her safety.
Thanks to donors like you, we welcomed her and her new baby boy to the Safe House to take shelter. We developed a strong plan. Beth would live with extended family out of state. She'd be protected and surrounded with solid support as she rebuilds her life.
Advocates helped Beth and her baby coordinate travel plans.
Gifts like yours helped pay for the cost of their flights and luggage. We also arranged a police escort to Beth's home to pick up her belongings, and provided safe transportation to the airport.
Beth is tremendously grateful for the swift assistance ... so that her baby boy will be raised in a loving home, free of fear and violence.
Flesch-Kincaid is a tool I use daily
The Flesch-Kincaid calculator I mostly use is here (it's also built into Microsoft Word). What hammer and nails are to a carpenter, this calculator is to professional copywriters. Know the standards, obey the standards, keep it simple, keep the grade level low, the ease level high: you'll raise more money.
Flesch-Kincaid has a fascinating history.
Fundraising Writing now has a YouTube channel called Win It In A Minute, where Julie Cooper interviews Tom Ahern. These are very short videos, each focused on a single donor-communications challenge. Nothing on Flesch-Kincaid yet.
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